To Self Sacrificing Mothers

To Self Sacrificing Mothers:

What do you write about when asked to write a blog on parenting?  I could write about positive reinforcement, sticker charts, or time out.  I could write about cloth diapers vs. disposable or whether you should immunize your child or not.  It’s hard to write about something so personal and intimate, when I really don’t feel that I have much that qualifies me. 

Maybe I could start with me.  My name is Erin.  I have 3 handsome boys, named Jude (age 4), Desmond (age 2), and Fields (age 5 months).  Danny and I have been married 7 and ½ years.  We meet on LDSsingles.com.  I use to make up different ways that we meet, which didn’t include meeting online, but I think meeting online is becoming more accepted, maybe.  My husband is a therapist; ya know the one that asks, “How do you feel,” and not a physical, occupational or even a respiratory therapist.  I am a registered nurse and work on a pediatric floor.   I love my church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), and strive to have a Christ centered home.  I keep trying to find time to play my music, go hiking and camping, or even to make a hemp necklace but lately I just find myself on facebook, pinterest, or playing candy crush.  We’re just the average family with 3 kids under 4 trying to stay happy.

Let me lean into vulnerability and tell you a little secret about myself.  After I had Jude, I stopped taking care of myself.  Of course, all my energy went to Jude, that cute little bundle of joy that changed my life forever.  I started working 2 nights a week so that we didn’t have to get a babysitter while I worked.  Working nights is one of the hardest things.  I am always tired.  I feel like I can never catch up on enough sleep.  But, this is what I felt like I needed to do, as Danny was still in school and we needed the money.  I served in my church youth program for a couple years which included Sunday’s and ever Wednesday for youth night.  Also weeklong girls camp in the summer.  Danny finished school but I still worked nights.  We had cute Desmond.  The transition from 1-2 kids was a lot easier for me, however, looking back, I still was just making it by.

During the night shifts, I drank Diet Coke and munched all night to stay awake.  I never really lost my pregnancy weight.  Each pregnancy I’ve been 10 pounds heavier then when I started.  And I never spend money on myself.  Therefore I really had no clothes.  I wore all those free t-shirts that I got at church youth camp or tied die t-shirts.  My mom helped me buy some new clothes, and I had a couple nice shirts that I would wear, but it was a new style that fit my body but it wasn’t “me.”  I didn’t feel like there was money to get a gym membership and I had no motivation to work out at home.

I’m the one with the Tie Die shirt at a church youth event;)

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself when saying that I never took care of myself.  There were times that I felt like I tried.  Going to church on Sunday, I’d wear make up and maybe jewelry, until those cute hands became grabby hands.  Right after Jude was born I joined weight watchers, until I found out that I couldn’t take Jude with me to the meetings.  Then I stopped.  Asking someone to watch my boy was too hard.  There was a summer that I went walking with my girlfriend, until it got too hot outside.  Danny would encourage me to go shopping for myself.  One time I took my sister in law with me and got some cute items.  But shopping wasn’t fun anymore because of the extra weight that I now had.

I wouldn’t say I was unhappy, just unaware of the importance of taking care of me!  I feel like women are self-sacrificing.  We serve like there is no tomorrow.  We serve our family, our community, and our church.  At least that’s how I was raised to believe that women are supposed to be.  I believe it’s in our nature to serve.  Then, I felt like I was not enough.  I’d get down at myself for not being a good enough…wife, mom, friend, church leader, and even not good enough at serving. 

Then something happened.  My gallbladder started acting up.  I had a gallstone the size of an olive.  Then I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  I feel my body was screaming, “take care of me.”  So I had no choice but too.  Between the miscarriage and surgery, I mentally wasn’t doing too well.  With some encouragement from my husband, I started going to therapy.  My therapist introduced me to Brene Brown who did research on shame and wholehearted living, (www.brenebrown.com) After 9 months of therapy, an experiential weekend, and bi-weekly women’s group I have learned a few things.

First, you need to read Brene Brown.  I could do a whole post on just her.  She has helped me not be too hard on myself, trying to mold myself to be the perfect mother. 

She taught me how to have courage, be vulnerable, and work on my shame. 

I also started taking time for myself.  I started asking for what I need, like time away from the kids for a few minutes or girls night to connect with women who could support me.  I started asking people to watch the kids so I could work on myself, which was really hard for me.  I started working on my femininity.  I started taking showers everyday and sometimes I’d put make up on.  Not because I was going out but because I wanted to feel pretty.  Not because make up made me pretty but, for me, putting on make up was fun and I liked the way I felt when I had some on.  I started to get my toes done.  I spent money, with in means, on myself AND I didn’t feel guilty.  I got a gym pass and have lost some weight.  Interestingly, my husband can tell if I have gone to the gym by my “hello” when I answer the phone.  Is it really that noticeable that I feel that much better after a 20 minute run?  I realized that my family could be happier if I took the time to make myself happy.

Lucky for us, Danny finished his masters and got a good decent job.  I finally took a leap of faith and stopped working as much.  I now work 1-2 shifts a MONTH!  It’s awesome.  I work to keep my license and to use my brain every once in a while.  Let me tell you, financially it’d be a lot better if I did work.  But I now put lots of energy on budgeting and cutting back where we can.  If I had to work, I would change my job and/or work different hours.  Working less has been a huge thing for my family and me.  For me, being a stay at home mom has always been my dream job.

Sure, I’m not perfect at these goals to improve myself and I’m still working on it.  Like I mentioned, vegging out on the computer still happens more then I’d like.  I did find a new passion making bath bombs and body scrubs, which doesn’t get done as much as I’d like, but I’m trying.  The best thing about taking care of me is that I can be the parent that I want to be.  When I am mentally in a better place, I follow through better and have structure for my kids.  I can play with them and have fun with them too.  But most importantly, if the day isn’t going how I want to, I can try again tomorrow.

 

I’ve realized that doing things for me is just as important as doing things for others, including my family.  You know that saying, “If mamma aint happy, nobody is happy.”  Well I feel it’s true.  How can I be a good mom if I wasn’t taking time for myself?  How could I serve my family, my church, and my community (all still important for me to serve), if I wasn’t serving myself?  So now I ask you, how are you going to take care of yourself and what does taking care of yourself look like?

After baby Fields -3 months ago