My Breastfeeding Journey

My journey starts out about 4.5 years ago! I was newly married, working full time and a student! My husband and I decided during our parenting classes that we were going to breast feed! We were both excited how much money this was going to save on our budget (ultimately keeping me a stay at home mommy), more importantly the natural aspect of it and how vital it is for baby! We assumed that it was going to be ultimately my responsibility to feed the baby (I am clearly the only one equipped) and that it would come naturally! Boy, was I WRONG!!

So…

Fast forward to the day my little girl was born! We were excited, relieved and ready to take on caring for this precious Child of God! I leaned on my nurses many times in the hospital to ensure that I was learning breastfeeding correctly! They NEVER had or offered for me to meet with a lactation consultant. Nursing at this point was semi sore/painful but I just ASSUMED because I didn’t know any different that this was ok! It came time to leave the hospital and the nurses reassured me with the instructions to simply wake her to feed her every 2 hours and good luck!

We headed into the pediatrician for that wonderful 3 day (or 3 day out of the hospital) well baby check up! I had been doing EXACTLY what I was told in the hospital and my heart sank when that pediatrician came in. He informed me that she had lost nearly 1.5 pounds and needed IMMEDIATE supplementation! The choice was up to me whether I could pump and bottle feed or formula feed. They didn’t offer me any help as to WHY she wasn’t gaining off breast milk, nor ways to help me correct my breastfeeding relationship but made it sound like if I didn’t do something immediately she was going to die. As a first time mother I was heartbroken and devastated!

When I got home after that appointment, I had honestly felt completed defeated. All I wanted was to nurse my baby to her fullest potential because that is what my body was designed for! I pulled out the breast pump and began pumping! I was able to pump 4-6 ounces per breast! My heart was filled with joy that indeed there was milk there, but saddened that for whatever reason she wasn’t getting it!

We went back a few days later and she was gaining! For the next 2 weeks I was pumping and freezing every 2-3 hours! I was elated, I was finally rebuilding the courage and confidence in my mothering abilities.

And then…

I felt like DEATH! I couldn’t move my arms, I couldn’t move at all for that matter without crying in pain. I was attempting to pump but would not release milk at all! I was so FULL and engorged; I couldn’t believe the pain. At that point I figured my breastfeeding journey was over and it was. I was so heartbroken. I felt like a complete failure and as a result I fell into a deep postpartum depression.

Fast forward about a year and a half. My second baby was born! During my pregnancy I was so torn whether to breastfeed and potentially go through the same experience that I had with my first one OR to just formula feed. After many heart-wrenching nights and debates with my husband, we ultimately decided that formula feeding would save me the potential heartbreak of feeling like I failed again! Although this decision to formula feed was not what I WANTED, I didn’t know if I could live through the “what-ifs” and the pediatrician coming down on me again. 

Fast forward again to my most recent pregnancy!

When I found out that I was pregnant again, I was filled with so many emotions, from the pure joy that I was once again carrying a life within me through the deep wounds that I still battled with. I decided at this point that I was ready to try again. I had many more mommy friends this go around, many more mommy friends who had nursed, or were nursing. Many had heard my story and were determined to help me be successful this time.

I started reading and studying. I hired a doula. I had NO idea how much information I had lacked, which had I known, I probably would have been successful with nursing my first baby! As time drew closer towards delivery, I was getting more anxious and nervous that I was going to fail again. My doula, my friends and most importantly my husband sat with me and listened to my fears and reassured me that it was going to be ok, that I was designed for this task and that I was going to be successful!

It came time to delivery! The nurses immediately placed him on me and put a diaper on him but didn’t take him from me (this was in my birth plan but also hospital policy if baby is healthy). Baby was placed skin to skin even before the placenta was delivered. My labor and delivery nurse was right next to me, literally hands on teaching me what to do. She comforted me when I needed it most. Baby was not taken (even to be weighed, measured, etc) off of skin to skin until the first nursing session took place.

I left the hospital a short 24 hours later and that is when my real anxiety took place. Everything seemed great but I was still so nervous! We went back in for his 3 day checkup and he was gaining but not quite to his birth weight yet. My pediatrician understood my desire and fears in breastfeeding as I had explained my previous journey. She reassured me that it was going to be ok but that she wanted to see us back in a week just to make sure!

That week was rough! I was in SO much pain, both physically and emotionally as the fears of failing were trickling in. I spent many days crying to my husband and my doula! I was physically experiencing so much pain radiating from one breast from my nipple that even the thought of latching baby on made me cry. I would do Lamaze breathing just to make it through. I cried through every feeding on this side. Finally, I started pumping exclusively and freezing on the bad side, but feeding him solely on the other. This was working great but I didn’t like being attached to the pump!

I went back to the pediatrician’s office and he was back up to birth weight and then some! She hugged and congratulated me in being successful as well as reassured me just keep doing what I am doing! What a RELIEF!

As I continued nursing on one side and pumping the other, I was determined to get off the pump but then…I woke up with worse pain than labor! I was so weak and sick feeling that even rolling over to nurse the baby was too much! At first I didn’t think anything of it as the flu had rolled through the family and I was sure that is what I had, but…then when I went to pump that day NOTHING released! I couldn’t believe it, after the last few weeks of being successful things were great and now the SAME exact thing was happening that happened with my first baby! I called my doula, she listed a few things to look for and reassured me that we will work through this and to NOT give up! All my symptoms were equivalent to…

MASTITIS!

I couldn’t believe it! I was trying to make sure that I did everything to avoid it! I headed to urgent care to get and official diagnosis and a prescription.

Now, I was even MORE determined to get off of the pump! I figured that I wasn’t releasing 100% of the milk to the pump and that baby needed to get on the breast to effectively drain it. Having sat and looked at my breastfeeding book and then studying myself physically, I realized that my “bad” side nipple didn’t look like the other or like the book picture! I searched through that book for examples to what I thought I looked like and for a way to fix it. I had found it!

FLAT NIPPLES!

Say what?! How is it that NO one noticed this before?! All that pain that was radiating from that side was EXACTLY what the book described! So, I was now determined to fix this problem! I had asked a friend to go to the store and pick up a nipple shield for me! As I placed that shield on and raised baby to my breast I was anticipating so much pain and much to my disbelief it didn’t hurt at all! After a few weeks of nursing with the nipple shield I was able to nurse without it!

Today, I am happily nursing a 3.5 month old baby who is gaining weight (so much that when we took him in the pediatrician asked if I had switched to formula) and so happy! I am continuing to pump 12-24 ounces of breast milk per day to build a small date night supply as well as donating to mommies who are (for whatever reason) unable to nurse their own baby! The ability to donate has been able to heal some of those (still) open wounds from my first baby. I have donated over 300 ounces of breast milk in the last 3.5 months!

What I have learned and in comparing my current journey with my first one:

• I had flat nipples! This caused intense pain with each latch on (which for round one I just assumed that was what it was supposed feel like)
• The time that I felt like death, unable to move and unable to release milk was mastitis! At that point I NO idea that even existed!
• Having a support system (with experience) is ESSENTIAL! With my first baby, I was not only a first time mother, but my mother formula fed all of her babies. I was also the first of ALL of my friends to have a baby so no one knew what I was going through! I also know now of La Leche League, which is an AMAZING support system!
• Breastfeeding is NOT easy! Anyone who tells you it will be a walk in the park must be CRAZY! Nursing is far from easy in the beginning! Both you and baby have to LEARN what works for your relationship, and what worked last time may not work this time or the next time!

My advice to you! Go in understanding that you WILL have ups and downs in your journey! You ONLY fail when you allow yourself to. Formula feeding is NOT failing! It is designed for that very reason! No matter HOW you feed your baby as long as he/she is happy and thriving that is what MATTERS! I believe in breastfeeding! It is designed for their growing body; it changes as they need it! Also, SEEK out help if you need it! There are MANY experienced women and resources out that KNOW exactly what you are going through! I am not “trained” but I feel like I have experience now! I have shared my story many, many times and I hope that it helps someone understand that breastfeeding is NOT easy but it is REWARDING!

A few of my FAVORITE Resources:

• Breastfeeding Made Simple – 7 Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers (my breastfeeding bible)
• Kellymom.com
• La Leche League

By: Alexis Swanson