Bye Bye Binky!

As a new mom I was thrilled the day I found a pacifier that my baby girl would take (she only liked the MAM brand… picky picky) … and like magic, she would fall asleep! It became part of her bedtime/nap routine, all I had to do was give her her “bink” and blankie and she would happily lay down to sleep! It was the perfect system. If she woke up in the middle of the night, I just had to pop the “bink” in, and she’d immediately calm down. We only gave it to her at naps and bedtime; not wanting her to become overly dependent on it. My daughter was never interested in her sucking her thumb, which at times I felt was both a blessing and a curse. In the long run I knew a pacifier would be easier to get rid of than trying to break a thumb sucking habit, but I’ll confess, there were times when I wished my baby could just stick her thumb in her mouth and fall back asleep all on her own.

At 18 months old she was becoming more and more attached to her "bink"; asking for it all the time, using it between naps, and throwing fits when I’d take it away. With baby #2 coming in four months, it dawned on me that if we didn’t wean her off the “bink" now, it was only going to get harder. If the new baby takes a pacifier, it won’t matter if we take hers away, she’d just take the baby’s (I’ve already caught her stealing other babies pacifiers at playgroups)…and eventually I’ll have a 4 or 5 year old still wandering around with a pacifier in mouth.

It was time to say bye to the “bink.” So I started asking fellow mamma’s about how they went about getting rid of their child’s pacifier. One friend who swore by taking it away cold turkey said that it was harder on her than her daughter. In my head I thought “that’s silly, I’m not the one addicted to a pacifier…my baby is.” Now I understand what she meant.

Asking around on Facebook, I heard some awesome ideas and advice on how to wean my girl off the “bink!” Here are some of my favorites:

"I sat my kiddos down, took a pair of scissors, and cut the nipple off in front of them. They tried to suck it and couldn't. That was the end.”   - Michelle

"We did it cold turkey. We just took it away. We had a couple rough days, but so worth it. I also heard of someone who tied them to balloons and floated them to the babies in heaven that needed them more. I thought that was sweet.”  - Kelsie

"We made a big deal about saying bye to the bubbie and went to build a bear and they got to put it inside a chosen animal. I thought my son would cut it open because he was a hardcore addict but he didnt and 7 years later he still tells people his bubbie is inside his dinosaur lol.”  - Amy

"I've heard of people cutting off the tip a little by little. Eventually it becomes "unsuckable" and they lose interest. Trim it each day. When it's deemed unusable, let them throw it away! Then call them a big kid and congratulate them!”  - Jenny

"I just straight up took it away one day and my son could have cared less.”  - Sarah

I loved the idea of doing something creative like tying them to balloons and sending them to the babies in Heaven or putting it in a Build-A-Bear toy, but I wasn’t sure my daughter was old enough to understand any in-depth explanation and unfortunately we don’t have a Build-A-Bear on the island. So I looked at the ‘cold turkey’ method. I wanted to be that strong mom who could just take it away and be done with it, but I started thinking about the late nights and the idea of NOT being able to just give her a pacifier and it scared me. I love my sleep (especially now when I’m pregnant)! 

Another nagging factor was our neighbors; it’s too expensive to run the AC here in Hawaii so everyone leaves their windows open, along with the houses being so close together, sound carries EXTREMELY well!  Most of our neighbors are understanding of our daughter crying sometimes, but the ones directly behind us are not so tolerant and have yelled at us several times after only a minute of her crying. What if she cried all night and can’t fall asleep without her bink? My neighbors would really freak out!

So I took a more gradual approach. We started by taking it away during the day; most of our neighbors are at work so if she had to “cry it out” for naps it wasn’t a big deal. Surprisingly she did fairly well without it during the day. She would still ask for it often and cry for a few minutes when I said it was gone, but it was easy enough to distract her. After two weeks of this, we started taking it away at night. This part was harder. She’d fuss longer and eventually fall asleep, but when she’d wake up in the middle of the night and we said it was gone we’d be up for what seemed like FOREVER trying to get her to go back to sleep. Most of the time, I’d just say “to heck with the neighbors” and let her cry. We did have a few back sliding moments when my husband gave in to his baby girl when Mamma was gone (she’s got Daddy wrapped around her finger). But for the most part, we stayed strong.

About a week ago I started letting her take a toy or stuffed animal to bed. At first she would still cry for a few minutes, then would remember her toy and start playing. Sometimes we’ll hear her playing in her crib for almost a half hour before actually going to sleep…but as long as it keeps the peace I don’t mind. The last few nights, however, she hasn’t protested going to bed at all… just happily lays down with her toys, plays for 5 minutes, and goes to sleep. I feel like I can officially say we’re over the “bink” now! It's been at least a week since she has asked for the "bink!" VICTORY!!! 

I’m a little embarrassed that it took a month to go through that process… my friend was right, it was definitely harder for me to let go than it was for my daughter. Overall, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined though. So for any other Mammas out there dreading the day you have to say “bye to the bink,” I can tell you it’s really not that bad. I think most kids get over the loss faster than we expect. 

My method may not be the best, but it worked. If anyone else has heard of or tried other methods on how to say bye to the binky, please share! 

My Two Dads Part 1

                In the 5th grade, we were given an assignment to write a short story about ourselves. Mine was titled, "My Two Dads". Although I grew up in a home with a mother and father, my mom had been married before, to my birth father. As an 11 year old, writing  that part of my life story didn't seem like that big of deal. Actually, it felt like the only interesting thing that set me apart from all the other kids in class.  Growing up in the 80's and 90's, divorce was slightly less common then today. In public, this seemed a more private, taboo topic, but at home, my mom had always been completely open and honest with me. Somehow, she had managed to put her feelings on the subject aside and willingly answered all of my many questions, as unbiased as possible. In fact, she had done such a good job of making sure to not bad mouth my birth father, that she made him sound absolutely wonderful. Obviously, since they ended up divorced, there were marriage issues, but she explained everything to me in such an understanding and forgiving way that those problems weren't the ideas that I held on to.
            She told me stories of a fun guy who was incredibly handsome, who made her laugh, who liked to dance, and who drove a little too fast. She told me of being so in love it makes you oblivious and of being so hurt it makes it seem impossible that you will ever recover. She explained why she felt he made his choices and why it wasn't my fault. She explained why I was so lucky to be adopted by my dad and how blessed we were to have this family, most importantly, my little brothers.
            As a child I was taught that we lived in heaven before we came to Earth, that we lived as spirit children of God and that we all knew each other and we chose to come to Earth. Most importantly we knew what we would encounter in this life: love, pain, joy, heartache, growth, and death. We knew every experience we would have and we still chose to experience this life. I was taught that one of the reasons we knew we could survive the trials we were most certainly going to experience, was that we were going to be given the gift of family.
            In my heart, I knew that having "My Two Dads" was just a part of the life that I had wanted so badly before coming to earth. There were very few times growing up, that my knowledge of my birth father had a strong impact on my life. I was very lucky to have a relationship with my biological grandparents and aunts. We weren't incredibly close but long distances and divorces can do that. I knew I had cousins that I wanted so badly to have a stronger relationship with. My grandparents did their best to be as open with me as they could and willingly answered any questions I felt like asking. But as I got older and less selfish, I realized that my questions were like tiny scratches in an old deep wound and that the questions I really wanted to ask, no one had the answers to.
           The first time that this part of my life story caused me pain was when I was visiting my grandparents on a trip up north from my home in Florida. Like always, I was looking at all the pictures on the fridge and taking in all the faces of my cousins, trying to match names with the faces, realizing that they got to see each other often and that I was more of a stranger. I moved on from the fridge to the other pictures on the walls and on shelves until I saw a face I didn't recognize. I looked around to see if she was in any of the other pictures, to see if this was somebody I was supposed to know or recognize, but this was the only one. As I turned to ask my grandmother who the little girl was, I saw her turn and look at my mom. I knew something I was asking was making this awkward feeling, but I just wanted to know who she was. My mom said something along the lines of  "If this is what I think it is, go ahead and tell her."
           As it turns out, my birth father remarried and had a daughter. I had a little sister. A little sister. The one thing I really wanted (I loved my brothers, but there was 2 of them and 1 of me), and I had it...but I didn't. I am sure the next thing I said hurt my grandmother more then I could understand at the time, but it was an honest question in my mind.
"Is he going to keep Her?"
           From that visit on, I thought about my birth father and my half-sister often. Everything that I thought I understood, didn't answer any of the questions I now had. I went through periods of anger and judgment to feeling worthlessness and rejection. Sometimes I would go months without it crossing my mind and other times it consumed my thoughts. My mom even reached out once to try and set up a meeting, but he wasn't ready. I am still not sure how my mom put her own feelings on the matter aside and remained so encouraging. I have had friends whose parents divorced and allowed their own hurt feelings to be pushed on the kids. I know of kids who have had to choose "sides" and I have seen the damage. I am so thankful that she chose to deal with her own feelings instead of pushing them on me
           Being a teenager became just slightly more complicated. I used to think that if I became really great at something, that my birth father would hear about it from my grandmother and he would see I was worth it. Each time we went back up north for a visit, I had this hope of seeing an extra truck in the driveway as we would pull up. It never happened and my heart would break a little knowing that this wouldn't be the year I would meet him. I wrote poetry and put all of my feelings and questions into a little book.
         Then I met my husband. We were only 15 but I knew he was the one. John had every quality in a human being that I needed. He filled in some of the pieces that were missing in me and his family was great. Both sides of his family amazed me. His mother's side was huge and loud and slightly dominating. I loved it because I had grown up with very little extended family around and seeing how much they loved to be around each other made me feel safe. His father's side was smaller but just as close knit and just as loud. Between the birthdays, baby showers, graduations, and sports events, there were family get-togethers almost weekly. It was like a tornado of family that I loved getting sucked into.
       John and I got married and had our first child during our sophmore year of college. It was hard. We had to live in an apartment in my parents basement for the first two years of marriage to make ends meet between paying for college and raising a baby. John worked so hard to get us both through school and nursing school hours were hard with a newborn. I started my first hospital clinicals just 7 days after having our daughter and only 5 months later, I was pregnant again. Our second daughter changed our world. She made a real effort to get to our family as soon as possible and almost showed up 3 1/2 months too early. After a very long hospital stay, she came at 36 weeks.

The first time I held both of my daughters at the same time... It changed me. My daughters loved each other. My oldest would sing her gibberish when her little sister would cry and immediately the crying would stop. Seeing John as a dad made me fall deeper in love with him then I knew possible. He loved his girls. He never complained or resented his role as a parent.When he would call home on his lunch breaks he would ask me all about the girls and then he would talk to them on the phone. No  matter how tired he was from working outside 12 or more hours a day, he would get on the floor and play with the girls.

         Having my kids only raised harder questions in my heart. How could I feel so much love for these babies, how could my husband be so in love with fatherhood, and how could there be someone who didn't feel those things for me? Was I thought of at all? John and I could barely go a few hours without wanting to find out what our kids were up to, how could someone go 22 years with out wanting to find out about me? Every time I would see my grandma I would want so bad to ask whether she ever told Him about me. I wanted to know if He ever asked what I was like or even if He just wanted to know if I turned out okay or if I was happy. But I asked because I knew those questions would cause pain, either for her or for me.
        Around the time I was pregnant with our fourth, I decided to start doing some searching on Facebook. Got to love Facebook. Within a few minutes I was able to find 3 girls who might possibly be my sister. I had an idea about her age was and where she lived. I sent all 3 girls a message trying to find out if they were the person I was looking for.  I don't remember exactly what I wrote, but I was trying to be as kind as possible, not knowing whether or not she knew about me, but at the same time not trying to seem like a creeper on Facebook. I quickly heard back from one of the girls and she wasn't my sister. Two days later I received another message back and it was the girl I was looking for. I found my little sister and better yet, she knew about me!  Just knowing that I wasn't a secret in her life was huge for me. Looking back on it now, if she hadn't known about me.... I am just not sure how well my self esteem would have handled that.
          The night I got her email I practically jumped on my couch and was so terrified to read the message. I had to have John sitting beside me the whole time because I was so scared that at any moment my world would come crashing down. I was waiting to hear that she wasn't allowed to talk to me or that even worse, she didn't want to. I wanted to know what she knew about me and what she thought about everything. I wanted to ask a million questions but knew that I was a 24 year old talking to a 14 year old and that I was the adult who needed to be careful with her feelings. There was this fine line between wanting to know all about her and what she was like growing up and then asking questions that would come across as wanting to know more about him instead of wanting to get to know her. We wrote messages back and forth for weeks trying to find all the things we had in common: a love of orange juice, horses, and Harry Potter, just to name a few. John sat up with  me for many late night as I had to talk through all of my feelings and as I was trying to figure out the healthiest way to form a relationship with this wonderful girl who is my little sister.
        Its been 6 years. 6 years that have flown by and dragged on, all at the same time. Sometimes I feel impatient at having to spend another birthday separated from part of my family, upset that I still don't have the same relationship with my sister, as I do with my brothers. I adore my brothers. I think life would be unbearable with out them and so much better because I do have them.  I get angry that everyone involved can't just choose to be okay and that we can't just be one big happy family. It's hard because there are so many people involved and that means so many different feelings and issues that have to be worked through. It hurts that I have waited this long and hurt this much, and my feelings still aren't the ones that matter.
     We all have families that have different issues and our relationships with family members are some of the most complicated relationships in life. They are the relationships that can heal you with something as simple as a hug and the relationships that can break you with something as simple as words. I know that family is God's greatest blessing to us, even though at moments it can be the cause of some of the worst pain imaginable. I watch families that seem to have it all together and envy them on some level, wondering how they have it all figured out, even though I know that no family is perfect.
      John asked me "What's the point? What is it in this post that will help others or help you?" I first thought that it might help others who have children like me, that were blessed to have "extra" family. Then I thought, maybe it would help others to know how lucky I consider myself to have a mom who was open and honest with me and never made me feel that the path our life had gone, was for a reason. I think that if it had been this big family secret, that maybe I would have felt that I had something to be embarrassed about or that there was something I had done wrong. But as I began writing I realized that it isn't really about the fact that I am a child of divorce or that I have two dads; it's about the fact that we all have relationships in our lives that we need. We all have family members who we have grown apart from or that we haven't taken the time to get to know well enough and we all have relationships that need healing.
         The reason that family relationships are so important, the reason they are our greatest gift no matter how broken they may seem, is that those are the relationships we chose to get us through this journey of life. They teach us what we need to learn in order to be better and stronger. Sometimes we learn what we "should do" and sometimes the lesson we teach each other is what "not to do". Most importantly, family relationships teach us to stop focusing on ourselves. If we spend this earthly existence focusing on ourselves, on our own feelings and on our own problems, then we have wasted a life. If we can take a step back from those family relationships that are causing us pain or discomfort, and try and figure out what we need to learn from it and what we can do to help our family members, we could all avoid so much pain. Our families were meant to have the strongest effects on our heart.
          I guess I have a lot to learn because I was sure blessed with lots of family.

(This post was turning out so be so long I had to write it in sections. Hopefully I can finish it up over the next few weeks.)
       
     

Natural Medicine- Diet and Herbs

I have been studying and using natural medicines and healing foods for over 15 years now. Essential oils seem to be the thing that everyone is into right now - and I do have essential oils and use them, but since that does seem to be the big thing I wanted to focus on some of the other areas of natural medicine. I'll also include a list of books that I reference frequently and would recommend. 

The field is God's medicine cabinet. From thyme to lavender to burdock root to golden seal - almost everything we could need is there for us. I have used golden seal with much success for food poisoning and nausea; red raspberry leaves for menstrual cramps; echinacea, chamomile and mint for colds - and the list goes on. We drink a lot of herbal teas at our house. Of course there is Bigelow and Celestial Seasonings, but if you want a healing herbal, short of making it yourself, my favorite brand is Alvita.  

But a person's health is only as good as the daily diet they have. This takes us into healing foods - a subject that is near and dear to my heart. I don't think many people really consider the healing abilities that common foods have. By and large the American diet is high in fat and bland. This robs us of many much needed chemical compounds. Many of our family's dinners are based on the healing quality of the ingredients they contain. Spices in particular are high in healing properties. We use garlic like it is sugar at our house. Garlic, onions, hot peppers, black pepper, salsa, chili powder - these are the kings of the kitchen. 

Some may say that's well and good, but how do you get children or husbands to eat this stuff? All I can say is, I'm not sure. My husband was all ready into spicy stuff when we met, so I didn't have to do much convincing there. Onions he was never really into, though - and he rarely used black pepper. Now he asks for onions and he uses more black pepper than I do. I'm not sure when or how that change occurred. I guess I just made enough things with onions and black pepper that he realized how great they were. 

As for children I have an almost three year old and a seven month old. My toddler is the farthest thing from a picky eater - he eats everything! And he has our love for spice. He is the only two year old that I know of that will eat raw onions and regularly asks for more garlic powder on his food. So I can't be much help there - sorry. What I will say is that if you are not used to spices you need to start out slow. You need to give yourself a good year or two of gradual increases to get your system used to it. 

Just this week I have had to make an onion poultice for my seven month old, who has a chest cough that hasn't wanted to go away with the vaporizer and rest. After two days of the onion poultice and an air diffusion of chopped onion, garlic powder and cayenne his cough is much better.

Well, I could go on, but I'm sure I talked too much already.

Here is a list of some of my favorite herbal and medicinal books:

Encyclopedia of Herbal Medicine by Andrew Chevallier

Foods that Heal by Dr. Bernard Jensen

Herbal Antibiotics by Stephen Harrod Buhner

Foods that Heal by Maureen Kennedy Salaman

Healing Spices by Bharat B. Aggarwal, PhD.

Back to Eden by Jethro Kloss

Diana Sutton

Cleaning up Our Diet: Chapter 5. Sweet!

This is a sticky subject to talk about. Pun intended. My Mom would be so proud of me. Hee hee!
 Sugars are one of those things that suppresses the immune system. 
It leads to insulin resistance. 
It promotes inflammation in the body.
It can lead to weight gain when ingested.
It contributes to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. In fact, our livers process fructose very similarly to the way they process ethanol. Lustig calls fructose “alcohol without the buzz.”
It appears to act like fertilizer for cancer cells.
High fructose diets decrease HDL levels, while reducing the diameter and increasing the density of LDL particles.
Glucose and especially fructose can bond to – glycate – proteins and lipids without proper enzymatic control.

With all of that to think about, why would anyone who was looking to better their health still want to eat the stuff? 
Is it reality to think that you can omit it from your diet all together?
People already think that we're strange for all of the changes that have been made in my family. AND, I have children.
I once knew a family who prohibited their children from having chocolate. Do you know what the children did? Every time there was an opportunity to eat chocolate outside the supervision of their parents, they ate as much as they could.
 Realistically, I want my children to have a normal life. But I want to offer them better choices than what most Americans eat.
Sooo. I will be sharing some of the alternatives I have found to granulated sugar and high fructose corn syrup and corn syrup.
There are so many varieties of sweeteners available.
 But, first, we need to unveil the fakers.
Stevia has become a popular no calorie sweetener of choice. Do not be fooled by the labels. Just because something says it's an extract or that it's pure, doesn't mean that it is. Some kind friend recently dropped off a bag of Pure Via at my house. The first ingredient was maltodextrin, not stevia. Truvia pretends to be stevia. It's so processed it's not anymore. Any of the Stevia products that claim that you can use it spoon for spoon like sugar, is not pure stevia.

My first experience with stevia was when as friend of mine brought over a cheesecake made with it. It had a slightly bitter aftertaste. That is true stevia. It's not granulated like sugar is. It's powdery. It is derived from an herb, and was sold as a dietary supplement before it came to the market as a sweetener. And watch out! If you use too much, it's NASTY! It will ruin whatever you put it into. My kids once thought it was powdered sugar, and tried to add it to peanut butter to make a candy. Boy! Were they surprised!
 Speaking about powdered sugar. I don't buy it. It's granulated sugar with cornstarch added. I know it's a main ingredient for making frosting, right? I make my own. Put the organic cane sugar in the blender and grind it to a powder and add either arrowroot or tapioca starch in equal amounts and you have powdered sugar. Just a little precaution to avoid GMO corn.

**EDIT**
Please read the following article about the process to get the product they call stevia. Looks like even the white powder and liquid are derived using toxic chemicals.
http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/fact-or-myth-is-stevia-bad-for-you#axzz2samSU8Hj 

How about Maple syrup? I'm not talking about Aunt Jemima's or Log Cabin. Those are corn syrup with maple flavoring and caramel coloring (which is a carcinogen, by the way). I'm talking about the stuff that's expensive. Like $6-$8 for less than a pint.

True maple syrup isn't as sweet as sugar. It's derived from the sap of the Maple tree. It has been concentrated into grades. Grade A is what is used for pancakes. Grade B, less common, would be used for glazing a ham. It has a stronger flavor.
Since this sweetener has a distinctive flavor, we use it only when we can let it shine. We love it on sweet potato casserole, and in oatmeal.

Molasses is another syrup with a distinctive flavor. It comes from sugarcane, and actually has the benefits of providing minerals, iron, calcium and potassium, as well as being sweet. I use this for barbeque sauces, and in baking products when I want that molasses taste. By itself, it's not very sweet. I usually use it with another sweetener, like brown sugar.

 I briefly mentioned raw honey in my last post. This is another sweetener that you'll need to vet out. I get my raw honey from a local source. Therefore it has pollens from my area, which help to inoculate me from allergies. Raw honey also has naturally occurring enzymes, which aid in digestion. However, if your honey is not organic, your bees may be dining on high fructose corn syrup, which is nasty for a variety of reasons. First of all it's so processed that it's a concentrated form of sugar that the body doesn't digest well. And then, there's that awful GMO thing, you know I hate.

Back to the good sugars!

Organic evaporated cane juice is the closest to the granulated sugar that everyone is used to. Why use this instead? Because there are no insecticides, herbicides, and it's not bleached. Basically it's the kind of sugar that was used hundreds of years ago, when it was so expensive that people has safes to keep it in. Yes. It's that good.

Organic brown sugar is similar to the above, but has more molasses content, making it a bit moister, and has a bit of that distinctive flavor.  also called turbanado sugar, or sucanat. All have varying degrees of molasses left in them.

This next one is my new favorite sweetener. It's Organic coconut sugar. My kids tease me that my favorite food is the coconut. Our pantries are full of coconut derived products.

Coconut sugar is not very sweet. It has a smokey earthy flavor that is perfect for curries and cooking meats. Think barbeque sauce. 




Since using alternative sugars, I've noticed that our appetite for it has decreased.  We've become very sensitive to sweet stuff. In this case less is more, isn't it?


I am not a healthcare professional. Everything shared in this post is the experience of myself and my family, and is not intended to cure disease. (Take it like you want it.)


Follow Paulette on http://3sisters-pjr.blogspot.com/

Mom Guilt

My almost two year old daughter gets dropped off with a sitter two times a week. At this point she is used to being dropped off and knows the sitter very well. My sitter was no stranger to begin with and has been really good at making me feel like I'm the one getting the better end of the deal by letting her watch my kid. Who does that? This awesome nanny! I love her! And she loves my kid and my kid loves her. It all seems to work and fit so seamlessly for everyone involved and for that I feel lucky.

I feel lucky that I am able to work two days a week and have something outside of being a mom. I am lucky I get to be in a profession I can call a hobby. I am lucky to work with people I enjoy and have a steady stream of clients coming in. I am lucky I also get to be home with her the other 3 days of the week. All in all I feel like I have the best of both worlds and found a place best suited  for my family and my personality.

Then there’s the mom guilt. It creeps up on you. It hits you like a ton of bricks or your kid smacking you in the face and telling you NO! WHAM! Why are you leaving me here mom? Whack! Don’t you want to play with me? BAM! I want to be with you! Can’t you take me with you? BOOM BOOM! It hurts every time. Even if my daughter is completely fine when I leave it is still in the back of my mind that I should be the one there with her.

At the beginning it actually seemed easy because she was so little. It was a nice breather for me to get out and focus on something else. When she got to about 9 months old she went through the whole separation anxiety where she would cry EVERY time I dropped her off! That was definitely the worst of it. I’d give her a big hug and kiss knowing she was going to be taken care of and be on my way holding back the tears welling up because I felt so terrible that she was feeling terrible. But I knew it was good for me and it was good for her to know that I would come back. She was safe and taken care of. I also knew that it would make her strong and independent.

Sometimes when I drove away I would tell myself all those things over and over again. “She’ll be ok. She is taken care of. This is good for you. This is good for her”. It got easier and easier as time went on and as she got a little older. Now as she is approaching her second birthday, we get to talk about going to her friends house and getting to spend the WHOLE day there playing and how fun it is going to be! What a lucky girl she is! She usually gives me a kiss and follows it up with an immediate “Buh-byeee”.

She has no reservations any more. At all! And then the mom guilt creeps in again.

Why isn’t she sad? Doesn’t she want to be with ME? Shouldn’t I

be the one she wants to play with? That got me thinking…what is guilt and why do I have it at the silliest moments?! I’ve heard various things like, “It’s only your first, it gets easier” or “Why don’t you stay home all the time?” Or on the reverse, “Are you going to be picking up more hours at work?” Because I work only part time, that comes with its own sets of issues like playing catch up on my days off. Or cramming my working days to fit all the people in I can then feeling like you can’t function the next day but you still have to. It’s hard to fully immerse myself in either world when I’ve got one foot in one pool and the other foot in another.

But I realized something about myself in the last couple years since I’ve been keeping this schedule. I like working. I like it a lot. I would even go as far to say I love it. Maybe your working is taking care of your kids. Maybe it’s working at a job full time. Maybe it’s a combo of both or a hobby or volunteer organization but we all work! Everyone has something they like to do that is work and that keeps them busy. And everyone needs to find a place that is best fit for them and their own family.

My husband and I have talked a lot about what it is we want to teach our children. One of the running themes we’ve come across is teaching them to be confident in their own skin. To know they are strong and can make good decisions on their own. To be happy with who they choose to be and in whatever they choose to do. So in order for he and I to teach them that, I realized I have to be that. I have to be confident in myself and what I choose to do. I want my daughter to see that I am passionate about something. I want to give her the strength and confidence in whatever she decides to do. Maybe she will want to be a full time stay at home mom with her babies. She practically already does that now with her dolls:) Maybe she will want to be a professional snowboarder like I always wanted to be. Maybe she will choose to write novels, or be a chemist!

Who knows?! But one thing I do know is that I don’t need to have mom guilt. Working right now at this time in my life is what I’m choosing to do and I am confident in that choice. It makes me a better mom. I cherish those days I get to spend with her and I look forward to having “adult talk time” as I call it on the days I work. I have learned to take things one day at a time and enjoy each moment because you never know what could happen or how things could change. I have also learned the value of self confidence in all areas of my life and what being an example of that means for my daughter.

I don’t get to do everything I want, or attend every outing I’m invited to. I suffer from “FOMO” as my husband calls it. Fear of Missing Out. Too true! I’ll be the first to admit it! I totally suffer from some kind of FOMO disorder. But that’s okay. Admitting it is the first step to recovery right? If I thought I could be some jack of all trades, in two places at once, happy all the time person I was way, WAY wrong! That is hard and no one can do it all! It is impossible! But we can pick and choose and be confident each choice keeping in mind that we need to take care of ourselves. Moms and dads alike need “me time”. AKA: retail therapyJ I may or may not have a slight shopping problem. SSSHHHH don’t tell the hubs! Oh wait, he already knows! With my profession as an esthetician and being a mommy I am constantly taking care of other people. If I didn’t set aside even the littlest bit of time for myself I just might one day jump out of my skin and start screaming. No one wants to see that. You need to set aside some time everyday, even if it’s only 10 minutes of quiet time or reading a book or smashing some drums that is all yours. It’s important for you and your family. It has been important for me and how I keep my daily sanity…most daysJ. Drop the mom guilt, enjoy what you’ve got and remember “We are what we repeatedly do.”-Aristotle

Stay tuned with Moms in the Village Blog where I will be doing a separate post about quick tips to get you from feeling drab to fab on those busy mornings!

 eyesbyannaleeblog.blogspot.com

Can also find me on FB and instagram @eyesbyannalee

How To Be a Perfect Mom

Hi my name is Kayela and I am the mother of two beautiful crazy boys. Aside from my full time job as a mother, wife, housekeeper, chef, (and everything else that come with the job) I also work from home as a freelance artist and photographer.

Raising two boys has been the most terrifying, exciting, rewarding, exhausting, and wonderful experience of my life. Kids have a way of exhausting the most extreme ends of the spectrum of every possible emotion. And yet somehow, at the end of the day, when I tuck those tiny little bodies under their cozy superhero covers and kiss their soft little heads as I brush my hands through their silky strands of hair… it’s soo worth it. Motherhood is an extraordinary experience in ways that are indescribable by words.

I LOVE being a mom.

But on that note, I still struggle. It’s really hard sometimes. One of the things that I have found most challenging in my career as a mother is trying to find a perfect way to balancing kids, husband, work, housekeeping, health, social life (what’s that?) and all the other aspects that make up a healthy life style.

Sometimes I watch Fitness Mom waking up at 5 am to get her 2 hour workout done just in time to greet her waking children with a balanced breakfast complete with some sort of organic green smoothie and gluten free pancakes before they all head off to the park together.

I need to start working out more.

Crafty mom, with her perfect home decorated from head to toe with every element and every piece of furniture so perfectly complimenting everything else in the room that I start to doubt that my human mind is even capable of putting together such an overwhelming task. My family is just lucky that we actually have a few pictures on the wall. And not to mention that no matter what odd hour I happen to drop by, her house is still amazingly spotless. I doubt that even a spec of dust would dare be so bold as to sit itself on the highest most hidden corner of her home, because it knows she would ruthlessly hunt it down find it.

Ugh! My house is so disgusting.

Super Involved Mom takes her kids everywhere and it never seems to take a toll on her. They help her clean, help her bake. According to Facebook it looks like this is 3^rd museum they’ve been to this month and now she has them making some adorable art project worthy of Pinterest while she finishes her gourmet home cooked meal for dinner using some sort of exotic ingredients that I’ve never even heard of but I’m sure she got them on sale because she never pays full price for anything and somehow due to her obsession with couponing, she actually makes money buying groceries.

I need to spend more time with my kids. I need to be more involved. And I feel guilty because sometimes I just need a break from them. Not to mention it’s already 5:00 and I still have no idea what I’m making for dinner.

Career Mom, Fashionista Mom, Super-Organized Mom, the list goes on and on and on…

I admire them all… So I try to be all of those things.

I want to have the best of all worlds, a clean peaceful house, happy kids, a thriving career, and still fit into my jeans from high school. I work from the moment I wake up till long after the kids have drifted off to dream land for the night. I work all DAY LONG, to be ALL of those things.

But then I fall short... And by fall short, I mean I fail miserably.

I miss deadlines for work because the baby has a cold and missed his nap. And despite the fact that I stayed up working till 3 am, I still can’t seem to find enough hours in the day to finish what I need to.

I went to Hobby Lobby and spent a few hard earned dollars on some decorations in an effort to transform my kitchen to a level that could maybe possibly be competitive to that of Crafty Mom, but instead I just sat on the couch and cried because when I finally got it all put together it looked like a horrible clashing mess... And I just really wanted to take a nap.

And let’s be honest, even if I had the style to be Fashionista Mom, my budget wouldn't support it. Maybe if I could manage my money more like Thrifty Mom?

But then through all the doubts, self-criticizing, and resentment towards my own shortcomings, there are those moments...

You know the ones I’m talking about…

Like the time when I caught my 3 year old trying to sound out the letters A-N-D-Y on the bottom of Buzz Lightyear’s foot. Or when my one year old began to cry after bumping his head on the wall and his big brother rushed to his side, comforting him with a big hug and a tender kiss. When I hear those tiny little voices echoing “Stop!” and “Gooooo!” in the back seat of the car as they watch the lights turn from red to green.

Every time I hear them giggle and laugh at their own silly little inside jokes... the kind of jokes that only toddlers would understand, and when they follow each other around the house and wrestle and play, I watch with each growing step as they become closer and better friends.

It's moments like those, when I start to realize that despite my many unavoidable flaws, they might actually still turn out to be pretty decent human beings. It's amazing how they're flexible that.

So you might not be ultimate fitness mom and your house really only gets clean when you have people coming over, but maybe that's exactly what your kids need? My husband always says that perfection is a balance, not an extreme. So maybe the perfect mom isn't the lady who has her kids eating an all-natural, organic balanced meal EVERY SINGLE DAY, or the mom whose shiny kitchen floor actually seems to repel dirt. Maybe the perfect mom is actually somewhere in between those things?

You’re going to make mistakes, that’s fine. Guess what? Your kids are going to make mistakes too… maybe it's actually a good thing for them to see that it's okay to be human. They'll watch you fail over and over but still get up and try again tomorrow as you slowly map out the path for them to follow when they begin the process of recovery from their own mistakes. They'll see your perseverance, your determination, and your dedication as you strive to become a little better each day and give your family the best you have to offer. They'll watch as you set your priorities and sometimes let the little things go in order to make room for the some times subtler, yet more meaningful things in life. They'll see that you left the laundry unfolded again today, but what they'll really remember is that you stepped away from your chores just to play Darth Vader for a few minutes in their Jedi scene.

So maybe you don't actually have to be "supermom" because the mom that your kids really need, isn't supernatural. She's human. Just like the amazing kids she's trying to raise. She makes mistakes, she forgets things, and sometimes she slacks and fails to meet the standards she set for herself. But despite all her failures, she gets up the next day, brushes herself off and takes on the day again. And it’s possible that those empty holes if her life, those little places that she never seems to be able to fill, those areas that despite her best efforts, she always come up short, those spaces might actually leave more room for her kids to grow and become a little better themselves. And maybe that’s what really makes her a perfect mom.

Kayela Larsen

http://kayelal.blogspot.com/