Before I was pregnant, before I even thought about trying to get pregnant. Labor terrified me. I tolds o many people, “when I go into labor, just crack me over the head with something and hopefully when I wake up it will all be over with and you can just hand me my baby. I’ll trust you that it’s the right baby.” I was joking of course, but the joke came out of fear. The image of a screaming woman, full of anger and pain that’s portrayed in the movies petrified me. I wanted a baby – but not like that. Until I started doing research, I thought that was the only way. My husband is a biologist and I have a background in biology and neuroscience, so we are a research-focused household in nearly every aspect. So when we decided to have a baby, I went to work doing what I do best. And I was relieved by what I found and determined to have a wonderful birth. I visualized giving birth while remaining relaxed. I watched literally hundreds of videos of births, all while keeping calm and practicing breathing nice and slow. I wanted a natural birth, in the water bath. I wanted to breath my baby out (what a misnomer by the way!). And I went for it.
I prepared every way I knew how; repeating my mantra over and over while drinking red raspberry leaf tea and doing kegals and squats. When the time came my birth plan came to life in every way that I’d hoped. Little did I know that once the baby is born you still have to birth the placenta. That’s where life through me a curve ball. But the basic summary of my birth is that 29 hours after my water broke, I delivered my perfect baby boy in a water bath at a birth center. No rips or tears and active labor only lasted about 5 hours with 1.5 hours of pushing. I had a retained placenta and had to be rushed to a hospital because of massive blood loss. After 3 days and a blood transfusion we came home. Even given the medical circumstances, I love how my son came into this world.
It all started at 38 weeks, I was having some excruciating lower back pains that wouldn't go away. After two days I scheduled a massage but it only helped for an hour and then the pain came back. I called the midwives and they were thinking that little one might be in a not-so-great position down there and that could be not-so-good for labor so they suggested yoga moves to adjust him as well as getting a spinal adjustment. After three days of back labor pain (Friday 4/4/14) I scheduled a chiropractor for an adjustment. It felt pretty good, but again, after just an hour, the pain was back and constant. I kind of felt like I was having contractions when I got home but I wasn't sure - I thought maybe I just wanted him to be here so bad that I was making up the small pains in my lower tummy. Like all of the Braxton hicks I’d had through out labor, I made a nice low hum, my birthing call, and tried to breathe through the contractions and stay calm and at peace. I figured if I’m going to feel them, I might as well practice for the main event. All day Friday, I sat against a heating pad and did the yoga moves, cat and cow pose mostly, trying to ease the discomfort. The pains felt like a building from my lower back and then they would travel around to the front, and as labor progressed (I had no idea I was actually in labor at this point!) they eventually stung in my upper thighs too.
Hubby came home and we ordered Chinese food for dinner because I wanted something spicy - I was ready to get this baby out! Well it turned out that we didn't need the Chinese food to get it going. While I was lying on the sofa, joking around with hubby that he was going to have to have sex with me if the Chinese food didn't do the trick - my water broke. Yay! I was so freaking excited. We called the birth center and headed in after dinner to get a cervical check, measure my contractions, and measure little one's heartbeat. At that very moment, I didn’t have an ounce of negativity in me. I was looking forward to labor, because it meant my baby was that much closer to being in my arms. That’s all I could focus on.
It was around 9 at night when we finally got to the center. I was dilated to 1 cm and baby was doing fine. I was still having some light contractions but nothing too intense. We were told to head on home and try our best to get some rest so we'd have energy for the grand finale. Well ... I only slept for about 5 hours and woke up to stronger contractions but still nothing uncontrollable, just a bit more intense. But I was far too excited to sleep! Hubby put a bit of counter pressure on my hips and I moaned out slow and low grunts (I tried to match the low pitch to the song from the Hobbit when they are in Bilbo's house after they ate all his food - that's how low I needed to hum/grunt in order to ease the pain) with my head straight up so I could feel the vibrations down my spine. It really freaking helped with the pain throughout all of labor. SERIOUSLY! If I can give any advice it would be to get that low grunting hum down pat and point your nose to the ceiling to get those vibrations down your spine.
We were worried about the water being broken and how many hours had passed, so I went ahead and took the castor oil the midwife had given us to take (she said if labor wasn't progressing by 5-8 in the morning that I should take it). Within twenty minutes I was shitting all of the shit I could possibly shit out of me and threw up the hard-to-take-down banana "shake" that my hubby had mixed the castor oil into. It was seriously disgusting - "no taste or odor" my ass. Things got a little more intense after the castor oil crapping had finished up. For an hour the contractions were less than a minute long and not very regular, within 5 minutes apart. The birth center told us to wait until things were more consistent. Damn it! I wanted to get things going! I wanted to see my baby!!!
To get things progressing, hubby rubbed my back with the Love Your Labor Oil. I never sat down and stood through everything and did my best to just remain calm and relaxed. I distracted myself in between contractions by doing my makeup (spent nearly 3 hours doing it, just cause I wanted to feel pretty and doing my makeup makes me happy). I even bought a comfy maxi dress to labor in and I put on a pair of studs too. No pictures were taken during early labor but at least I felt pretty. I can’t believe I didn’t even get a picture! Next time I’m making sure there is a bit of video…
Around 1PM we went into the birth center and I hadn't really progressed at all (1.5 cm dilated). Cue sad face but not shocked. So home we went and we were told to come back at 4PM because at that point it would have been 18 hours since my water had broken and then we would have to discuss whether birthing at the birth center was even an option any more. I didn't want a hospital birth because I wanted to labor in whatever position I desired without IVs. I also didn't want easy access to an epidural because I didn't want to risk the cascade effect that could lead to a c-section. However, I knew that there was a chance I might end up at a hospital and I had come to terms with that. Regardless of how my son was born I was determined to stay relax and calm and do my best to bring him into this world with love and peace in my heart. That was the most important thing to me.
Our midwife, Katie, was absolutely wonderful. She showed us a side-laying position to move LO around so that the back labor would lessen, it didn't really work though; I could feel him holding himself in place by pushing his feet against the uterus ... little bugger. She also told us to take blue cohosh and pulsitilla to get things to progress and gave the go ahead to labor in the tub with the birthing oil (it has clary sage, lavender, and other essential oils in it and smells divine). So we went home and did just that. Fast forward a bit and we are back at the birth center and contractions have pretty much remained the same. Katie did a cervical check and I didn't really progress again (zero change to my cervix) so she stretched me to 3 cm (Yup she pulled at my cervix to manually dilate it) and we took a walk around the block to get things going. AND THAT WORKED! Apparently that's when active labor kicked in. These contractions were far stronger than the ones I had been experiencing. I was able to hum/grunt the way I had been to deal with the pain but I no longer wanted to be standing or walking. Instead I labored mostly in the side laying position with hubby putting counter pressure on my hips (he told me later that he thought he was going to break my hips because I kept yelling harder to him even though he had all of his weight on me).
I desperately wanted to labor in the tub because it was night and day with the early labor contractions. I could barely feel the contractions in the tub with the humming. Literally I would have to stop humming to see if the contraction had stopped because the warm water and vibrations were enough to effectively eliminate the pain during early labor. But laboring in the tub could stall progression, just like the epidural that I desperately wanted to avoid, and my midwife didn't want that so she said I had to wait. I started staring down the clock during the contractions and had to count the long, hard, low hums to distract myself during the contractions. I remember looking up at the clock and noting that I was having at least two contractions each 5 minute period. They were coming at me pretty hard. Katie did a cervical check around this point and I was only at 4 cm. I changed up positions for a little while and then got in the shower. The water and hubby's counter pressure didn't feel like it was helping at all. My hums helped a bit but I just couldn't take standing up - I just wanted to collapse on the floor. The back pain was more excruciating than anything else.
In my head I knew that I was half way there since dilation is exponential. But I also knew that by the time I could get to a hospital I could possibly be at 6 cm and then I could get an epidural without the higher risk of getting a c-section. This is when I started to waiver. And I told hubby and the midwife just that. I told them I think I want to go to a hospital and get the epidural. Hubby just stared at me and rubbed my back. I don't think he knew what to say really except "Are you sure?" At that response, Katie jumped in and said, "you worked too hard to go now. Let's try the side laying position for a little longer and then you can get in the tub." I'm not sure why that calmed me so much but it really did help. Just the thought that the tub was close and I was getting closer to meeting my little man kept me going. Katie reminded me to just take each contraction as it came and not to worry about anything else. A little over an hour later I was at 6 cm and nearly in tears when she said she was going to get the tub ready. Of course the damn thing took over a half an hour to fill - I was freaking pissed at each contraction that came while I was waiting for it to fill. But I still just counted my grunts (15 for each contraction) and labored each one on it's own.
I'm not sure if it's because I was in my own head since I wasn't leaning on hubby or having him counter pressure my hips, but I felt more in control in the tub. I remember thinking, "you can do this NO, you ARE doing this!" I was on my knees leaning back putting pressure on my hips myself and bouncing through the contractions. It felt so manageable in the tub. Katie would give me water when I needed it and hubby fed me frozen fruit and sprayed water on my back and on my shoulders when I got hot for the two hours while I labored. Between contractions I would focus on stretching and relaxing and trying to keep calm. I was so exhausted. At this point it was nearly 28 hours since my water had broken.
I didn't know what it would feel like when I got the urge to push, but let me tell you guys, it feels like your body is being possessed. I was so stunned. I felt it and the shock alone distracted me from the pain. I remember thinking that it can't be time because I hadn't said or thought, "I can't do this" yet, which is common during transition. I told Katie I felt the urge to push and asked if I had skipped transition. All she said is, "it depends on your cervix just keep doing what you are doing and Jax will be here soon." I was stunned and so freaking happy at the thought of pushing. That's right, I was happy. I was exhausted and in pain, everything hurt and was sore from dealing with the contractions but I was so happy that he was almost here.
I pushed in various positions and eventually began to feel in control of the urge to push. This stage of labor was a relief. There was a bit of pain with the contractions but nothing like what the last 6 hours had been like. I didn't feel like I was splitting into two or that he was coming out of my butt like I had read. It just felt like my vagina was stretching, plain and simple. Through some of the contractions I even brought my hands down to my upper thighs and pulled to help the stretching. I didn't poop and I didn't feel the ring of fire, both of which I wasn’t looking forward to. I pushed with everything that I had each contraction; in my head I kept saying, "Get out!! I need to hold you. I can't wait to hold you." It was my motivation and it worked. A half an hour into pushing Katie called the nurse, Jaime, and started getting things ready for his arrival, that gave me even more motivation and determination to get him out.
Towards the end of pushing, it was roughly 1.5 hours long, I held on to the bars of the tub and put my feet against the front part, Hubby could see everything and he kept watching. I was a bit taken aback because neither of us wanted to see my vagina in that condition but in that moment he just couldn't help it. Jax was crowning. I felt his head but Hubby didn't. Katie told me he had dark hair and I nearly cried with joy. I was so close to holding him. When he finally came out I reached down to pull him on to my chest but his umbilical cord was so short he could only go up 3/4 of my chest. It was comical. I even laughed. I can't tell you ladies how amazing it is when you finally hold your little ones, but I can tell you it is worth everything you go through. With help, I got out of the birthing tub, holding onto Jax with the cord still attached. I laid back in the bed and cuddled with my little man. He only cried a little and then started searching for food. Apparently we were both hungry! All I can remember is the feeling of complete happiness. I remember my husband smiling over my shoulder and kissing me. It was so wonderful holding my little man. My baby came into this world nearly to a T to my birth plan. But then I had to push out the placenta...
Part of my placenta was stuck to the wall of my uterus and wouldn’t budge. Katie “massaged” my uterus (OUCH!) and the only thing that would come out were gushes of blood. She would tug at the cord and pieces would break off. So I was given a shot of pitocin to help the contractions get moving to push it out, that didn't work either. So I was given a catheter because I couldn't pee myself to empty my bladder, which is also suppose to help the placenta detach - that didn't work either. All the while, for the hour that Katie and Jaime tried to get my placenta to come out I was pushing to try to get it out while doing skin to skin with my baby. Even though it hurt like a bitch to try to push my placenta out I kept focused on Jax, he was rummaging around for the milk factory and I was soaking it all in. Hubby seemed a bit worried and was asking questions about the placenta and I just smiled at him and told him to stop worrying... I had no idea what was in store for us. While Katie was down there, I asked her if I had and tears. None, not a single tear, rip, or hemorrhoid. Whooo! I could care less about my placenta at that point. I just kept pushed each contraction and figured it would come out eventually. It had to come out – right?
WARNING - This next section is very scary and it is not a common situation. After 1 hour of trying, Katie told me I would have to be transported by ambulance to the hospital 30 minutes away. The back up OB would be there to manually remove my placenta. If that worked than I would be released and either meet hubby and Jax back at the birth center or at our house (it's only 5 minutes away from the big hospital). She said it would be a max of 4 hours and then I could be with Jax again but that he needed to stay at the birth center until they could discharge him. Then she said, if he couldn't remove it manually, then I would have to have it surgically removed, in which case I would stay over night to recover and Jax and hubby would meet me there and they would be allowed to stay with me. So in my head I'm thinking, "damn placenta - at least it'll only be 4 hours and I'm going to the big hospital so it's not that big of a deal."
When the EMTs got there Katie took my blood pressure - it was good. And hubby took Jax. They told me to go ahead and swing my legs around to stand up so I could get in the wheel chair. I remember joking with the guy telling him to watch his shoes because I had been gushing blood. Little did I know how right I was to say that. I stood up and Katie asked me if I felt alright to sit. And all of a sudden I felt really numb and light headed. I shook my head and then I blacked out. I woke up on the floor to Katie telling me not to worry that she was with me and I was safe. I remember thinking, "where are we?" We were still in the birthing room. Shawn said I went very pail and blood started gushing out of me. My friend who came to help hubby with Jax while I was away said it looked like a murder scene. Katie told me we were going to the small hospital down the road and not to worry that she would be driving behind me. I started going in and out of it and don't remember much except for shaking - I was completely naked, covered up with only a blanket being wisked off.
I still get emotional thinking about it - in reality if there hadn't been a hospital one block down, I could’ve died. When we looked into the birth center our other option was a hospital by our home, 30 minutes from the center. That's the back up hospital to the birth center. Luckily, there is also a small hospital only a block away from the birth center. If something goes wrong at the birth center mothers are transferred to the hospital 30 minutes away because that's where the back up OB is and it's also where the majority of Delaware births occur. While we were considering the birth center, it was very difficult to convince hubby and my family was not convinced at all. I told the, if anything horrible happens there is a hospital one block away and everything will be fine. I thank God that there was that hospital because if I had to wait 30 minutes to get to the other one, I don’t know what would have happened.
I went in and out of it for a little while. I remember the doctor asking me if I wanted pain meds and I said yes. She was able to manually remove it. I woke up about 6 hours after leaving and my mom was there. She thought I was dead when she first saw me in the bed, my body was beyond pail, it was grey. I'm crying now writing this because I can't even imagine how that must've felt, to see your child like that. A few hours later I was finally conscious enough to hold Jax. Hubby my MIL and mom were all with me. The blood loss really weighed on my body. I was in pain everywhere and had absolutely no energy. I was hungry but I couldn’t eat. It was a feeling of helplessness and exhaustion. I was happy to see my baby though. And all way right because he was safe and healthy and being held by people who loved him – even if it wasn’t me. It makes me sad to think that the first hours of his life, I wasn’t there for him. But there’s nothing that I could’ve done. As soon as I was able to hold him I did, and holding him made everything right.
To make a long story short (and to keep me from digging up all those emotions that I have come to terms with), my hemoglobin levels continued to drop for two days. The first morning I almost fainted when I stood up to go to the bathroom so they took my blood count and then told us it was too low to leave. The second morning they told me I would need a blood transfusion because they dropped below 6. That was my first break down. All the while I had been positive and just concentrated on being with my little boy. I am so in love with him and that helped me get through so much. But that second morning when they told me I would need a transfusion and would have to stay another night, I broke down. I was trying to sit up to eat and it was so difficult I just burst into tears. I told hubby that I couldn't even feed myself how can I be a good mom to Jax while I was in this condition. I remember thinking, I can’t feed him, I can’t feed myself. I’m failing at being a mom. I felt so guilty that I wasn't there for him like I wanted to be and that my body wasn't recovering and that I was having a hard time feeding him. Luckily I have the most amazing husband in the world. I couldn't have made it through everything without Jax in my arms and hubby by my side.
On a positive note, blood transfusions do wonders. I thought the exhaustion was from delivering Jax but it was from the loss of blood. The next morning all was right and I was released. I even finally took a shower. Life resumed as I had pictured it after we got home. I spent hours just cuddling my son. Breastfeeding was hard. Everyone tells you there might be issues with tongue-tie, cracked nipples, latch or something physical like that, but you don’t hear how emotional it is. It’s a roller coaster of highs and lows. The first month was rough emotionally because of slow weight gain, but after seeing a lactation consultant, everything worked out wonderfully. There is a silver lining in going to that hospital. I really did receive excellent care and so did my son. As much as I wanted to take care of my little man, my hubby, mother in law, best friend, and mom all stepped in for me when I couldn't and I am so aware and grateful for how much they've done for me and Jax. My son did enter this world full of love - from me and from those close to me. And that’s all that matters.
Crystal S.
Day 4: We made our first diaper-free grocery trip. I’d make her go before we left for the store, then again while we were there. Oddly she really liked using public bathrooms. 