My almost two year old daughter gets dropped
off with a sitter two times a week. At this point she is used to being dropped
off and knows the sitter very well. My sitter was no stranger to begin with and
has been really good at making me feel like I'm the one getting the better end
of the deal by letting her watch my kid. Who does that? This awesome nanny! I
love her! And she loves my kid and my kid loves her. It all seems to work and
fit so seamlessly for everyone involved and for that I feel lucky.
I feel lucky that I am able to work two days a
week and have something outside of being a mom. I am lucky I get to be in a
profession I can call a hobby. I am lucky to work with people I enjoy and have
a steady stream of clients coming in. I am lucky I also get to be home with her
the other 3 days of the week. All in all I feel like I have the best of both
worlds and found a place best suited for
my family and my personality.
Then there’s the mom guilt. It creeps up on
you. It hits you like a ton of bricks or your kid smacking you in the face and
telling you NO! WHAM! Why are you leaving me here mom? Whack! Don’t you want to
play with me? BAM! I want to be with you! Can’t you take me with you? BOOM BOOM!
It hurts every time. Even if my daughter is completely fine when I leave it is
still in the back of my mind that I should be the one there with her.
At the beginning it actually seemed easy
because she was so little. It was a nice breather for me to get out and focus
on something else. When she got to about 9 months old she went through the
whole separation anxiety where she would cry EVERY time I dropped her off! That
was definitely the worst of it. I’d give her a big hug and kiss knowing she was
going to be taken care of and be on my way holding back the tears welling up
because I felt so terrible that she was feeling terrible. But I knew it was
good for me and it was good for her to know that I would come back. She was
safe and taken care of. I also knew that it would make her strong and
independent.
Sometimes when I drove away I would tell myself
all those things over and over again. “She’ll be ok. She is taken care of. This
is good for you. This is good for her”. It got easier and easier as time went
on and as she got a little older. Now as she is approaching her second
birthday, we get to talk about going to her friends house and getting to spend
the WHOLE day there playing and how fun it is going to be! What a lucky girl
she is! She usually gives me a kiss and follows it up with an immediate
“Buh-byeee”.
She
has no reservations any more. At all! And then the mom guilt creeps in again.
Why isn’t she sad? Doesn’t she want to be with
ME? Shouldn’t I
be
the one she wants to play with? That got me thinking…what is guilt and why do I
have it at the silliest moments?! I’ve heard various things like, “It’s only
your first, it gets easier” or “Why don’t you stay home all the time?” Or on
the reverse, “Are you going to be picking up more hours at work?” Because I
work only part time, that comes with its own sets of issues like playing catch
up on my days off. Or cramming my working days to fit all the people in I can
then feeling like you can’t function the next day but you still have to. It’s
hard to fully immerse myself in either world when I’ve got one foot in one pool
and the other foot in another.
But I realized something about myself in the
last couple years since I’ve been keeping this schedule. I like working. I like
it a lot. I would even go as far to say I love it. Maybe your working is taking
care of your kids. Maybe it’s working at a job full time. Maybe it’s a combo of
both or a hobby or volunteer organization but we all work! Everyone has
something they like to do that is work and that keeps them busy. And everyone
needs to find a place that is best fit for them and their own family.
My husband and I have talked a lot about what
it is we want to teach our children. One of the running themes we’ve come
across is teaching them to be confident in their own skin. To know they are
strong and can make good decisions on their own. To be happy with who they
choose to be and in whatever they choose to do. So in order for he and I to
teach them that, I realized I have to be that. I have to be confident in myself
and what I choose to do. I want my daughter to see that I am passionate about something.
I want to give her the strength and confidence in whatever she decides to do.
Maybe she will want to be a full time stay at home mom with her babies. She
practically already does that now with her dolls:) Maybe she will want to be a
professional snowboarder like I always wanted to be. Maybe she will choose to
write novels, or be a chemist!
Who knows?! But one thing I do know is that I
don’t need to have mom guilt. Working right now at this time in my life is what
I’m choosing to do and I am confident in that choice. It makes me a better mom.
I cherish those days I get to spend with her and I look forward to having
“adult talk time” as I call it on the days I work. I have learned to take
things one day at a time and enjoy each moment because you never know what
could happen or how things could change. I have also learned the value of self confidence
in all areas of my life and what being an example of that means for my
daughter.
I don’t get to do everything I want, or attend
every outing I’m invited to. I suffer from “FOMO” as my husband calls it. Fear
of Missing Out. Too true! I’ll be the first to admit it! I totally suffer from
some kind of FOMO disorder. But that’s okay. Admitting it is the first step to
recovery right? If I thought I could be some jack of all trades, in two places
at once, happy all the time person I was way, WAY wrong! That is hard and no
one can do it all! It is impossible! But we can pick and choose and be
confident each choice keeping in mind that we need to take care of ourselves.
Moms and dads alike need “me time”. AKA: retail therapyJ I may or may not have
a slight shopping problem. SSSHHHH don’t tell the hubs! Oh wait, he already
knows! With my profession as an esthetician and being a mommy I am constantly
taking care of other people. If I didn’t set aside even the littlest bit of
time for myself I just might one day jump out of my skin and start screaming.
No one wants to see that. You need to set aside some time everyday, even if
it’s only 10 minutes of quiet time or reading a book or smashing some drums
that is all yours. It’s important for you and your family. It has been
important for me and how I keep my daily sanity…most daysJ. Drop the mom guilt,
enjoy what you’ve got and remember “We are what we repeatedly do.”-Aristotle
Stay
tuned with Moms in the Village Blog where I will be doing a separate post about
quick tips to get you from feeling drab to fab on those busy mornings!
Can also find me on FB and instagram @eyesbyannalee
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