Who Heals Mommy's Pain

           

As a mother of 6 young children,  I deal with a lot of boo boo's. Some cuts or scrapes, bumps or bruises.  When my kids get hurt, I am the first person they seek, for comfort, love, healing.....and like any other mommy, I worry and wish their pain was mine. I cry with them, but wish I could cry for them. But the best I can do is show them I am here and try my best to make the pain go away. But what happens when , as mommy,  I am the one in pain. My job as stay at home wife and mother stops at nothing. I am the heart and soul of our family.  I'm like the president of the corporation,  better yet,  the president of the country.  I don't get days off for sickness,  and especially not for pain, physical or emotional. This past year has brought challenges I'd never imagine I'd be facing, and as mommy,  I've learned to deal with them. I wake up everyday,  and no matter how bad I'm hurting,  I begin my role as mommy. I keep a smile on my face and I get through the days, I try not to complain. But it has been one of the most difficult years of my life and it isn't even over yet.

When I found out I was pregnant with my 6th baby, I was overcome with happiness and joy, but also with fear and anxiety.  All of my pregnancies had been high risk, each ending in the delivery of premature babies. Thankfully,  so far, my little preemies had done exceptionally well,  and all came home from the nucu in less than two weeks. However,  I had the fear of not knowing how early I would deliver,  how severe my condition would get, and for the first time I had fears of delivery,  since my 5th ended in my 1st C section....I knew there was a good possibility of having a repeat C section.  Nothing could have prepared me for what would happen during this pregnancy, and the pain I would endure.

Around my 6th month of pregnancy, my urine showed traces of blood, and I had been having some pain and irritation in my bladder. I was admitted to have some tests run. I found out that not only did I have a bladder infection,  but I also had kidney stones in both of my kidneys.  While I had dealt with multiple urinary tract infections during my 6 pregnancies,  I had never had kidney stones, but I knew people who had and knew they could be painful. After a long night of terrible bladder spasms that felt like uterine contractions,  and a heavy dose of IV antibiotics,  I was sent home knowing that even if I had pain, they could do NOTHING for my kidney stones until AFTER the baby was born. Luckily,  once my bladder infection had cleared, the pain subsided, for then anyway. I also found out at that point that I was destined for another C section because I had a vertical incision on my uterus,  which is an older method of cutting and takes longer to heal than the newer,  more common horizontal incision.

As the next month whirled by, I was filled with anticipation of my new baby coming soon. But, sadly, during the end of my 7th month of pregnancy,  the worry grew and took over. I started to have pain across my lower belly....pain I had never had with any other pregnancy.....pain that I thought could possibly be from the kidney stones passing.....pain that all of my HIGH RISK Dr's said was "normal". But I would soon find out that the pain I would have the entire rest of my pregnancy would be something much worse than I could have imagined.  I was in and out of the hospital with the pain, and then my contractions started. Which, because of my vertical cut, I was told I shouldn't labor and having contractions could put too much strain on my thin uterus.....but with every hospital visit, showing my contractions were 15, 10, 5 minutes apart I was told all was fine since these contractions were not changing my cervix much, so they were not true labor. Well,  the contractions kept coming and my pain got worse,  and worse. So bad, in fact, that I took an ambulance to the hospital one night because I was in too much pain to drive, and my husband had to stay home with our sleeping kids. Oh and since I'm a stay at home mom, I had to endure this pain while trying to care for my other children and do all of my mother and house wife duties....and my dr thought I could just "lay around all day" and rest. HA!

           Things changed drastically when my blood pressure spiked, even on 2 blood pressure medicines.  My blood pressure had been an issue with each of my pregnancies,  but it had never spiked so high, so fast, while on medication.  I rushed into the hospital to be monitored,  but to the Dr's avail, my pressure continued to rise. At that point my dr decided it wasn't time to full around anymore. Also she mentioned that she didn't like where I was having pain, since it was right by my old incision...the 1st time anyone had mentioned my pain possibly being related to my incision. I was prepped immediately and soon I was on the operating table. As soon as the dr got to my uterus she gasped and said "I can see why you were in so much pain. Your uterus had begun to rupture,  and there is also a small hole in the uterus!" OMG I KNEW something had been wrong, but no one had listened. If it wasn't for that dr being on call that night, and deciding it was time to end my pregnancy,  I could have ruptured at home,  and we both would have lost our lives. I was filled with so many emotions....fear,  anger, thankfulness, joy....all at once. It was almost too much to handle,  but I just tried not to think about what could have happened and I focused on my preemie...who was about 4-5 weeks early. 

         

 Luckily,  baby #6, Ava, was healthy. And my C section recovery was a breeze compared to the excruciating pain I had been in, for what seemed like forever.  Unfortunately,  the pain free joy ended soon about 6 months later,  when I started to experience pain from my kidney stones. I can't say it was worse or better than my pregnancy pain....the pains were just so different. But I knew it was going to be a struggle. I struggled through a lithotripsy procedure where they sent shock waves to the stone on the right kidney,  since the stone was so big it didn't break fully. I ended up with horrifically painful surgery on my right kidney,  where they went in to remove my stone but found a mass of tissue that had formed because the stoned abstructed my kidney.  The recovery from this was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life and I came home after 2 nights in the hospital. Of course I had 6 little ones excited and happy to have me home., but I was so useless I couldn't even take care of myself.  Thankfully I had help from my parents,  but I still had to deal with my pain. It's something nobody ever wants to deal with. 

          My recovery was about 3 weeks,  and 4 weeks until I felt "normal" again.  But being through all of this in less then a year, I've come to realize more about what I can overcome as a mother. I now know that pain can not necessarily be healed by someone else, I know there are methods to help with pain, but we our the ones who have to deal with our own pain. As a mother who endured tremendous amounts of pain while I had to continue to be a mommy and do everyday things, and try to keep a smile on my face, I know that I am capable of handling things and situations that our minds may not see as conceivable.  But we bear our own pain and if we our faced with having no control over it, we do our best to deal with it. The same goes for our children's pain. We can't take their pain away, although I like to think I can. We can only offer support and love, whether it's physical or mental pain.  We can't take away our own pain or our babies pain, but we deal with it. We have no choice. It's part of our physical being, and honestly getting over physical and/emotional pain can be our biggest challenges,  yet they make us stronger and remind us to be happy and thankful for the good in life!