Feeding a Picky Eater --- Dietitian Perspective

As a Dietitian, one of the most common questions I hear from fellow mom’s is “my child is the pickiest eater in the world, what do I do?”  Now I am not here to preach how or what parents should feed their children. I’m just here to share what I do know, in hopes that it will be helpful to someone; maybe provide a new perspective, idea, or even just hope. Parents want to do what’s best for their kids and want them to be healthy.  But when you have a 3 year old screaming about how much they hate what you made for dinner and are demanding macaroni & cheese (for the third time that day), your nerves wear thin and it’s easiest to just give them what they want. Don’t feel guilty, even the best of us have caved at some point.

I consider myself a very practical dietitian… I’m a firm believer that there’s no such thing as bad foods, but bad habits.  There are foods we shouldn’t eat as often, but in moderation are fine. It’s important to eat a variety from all the food groups; especially fruits and vegetables.  In an idealistic world, our children would happily eat everything we put in front of them and would beg for a 2nd helping of broccoli, but I’m sure most mom’s will agree that this is far from reality.

I’m a huge fan of Ellen Satter’s book, “How to Get Your Kid to Eat, But Not Too Much.” She does a great job of simplifying the eating roles of parents and children, which really helps me see the bigger picture. Food is an essential part of our lives, and for children it's also a learning tool. In Satter’s book each chapter goes through the different age groups from infancy through adolescence. She also covers unique subjects like feeding children with special needs like autism, down syndrome, and feeding issues. So if you’re in need of more in depth help, I would definitely recommend reading her book. 

The fact is, it is totally normal for kids to go through picky phases.  But it’s important that we stay positive, keeping the mind-set that one day our children will like most foods. Think back to when you were a child.  When I was a kid I hated onion, mushrooms, fish, dark chocolate, grapefruit, and cauliflower…. all of which I LOVE now. Our taste buds mature. As long as we help our kids develop good eating habits young, set clear rules, and keep the dinner table a positive environment, their food “like list” will eventually grow. Here are the top 12 rules I’ve come up with for feeding kids. 

1. Stick to your roles. Parents, your role is to (A) provide healthy food for your kids, and (B) present it in a way that they can eat it (ex: cutting meat for young children, pureeing foods for infant etc.). A child’s role is to determine (A) how much they eat, and (B) what they eat from the foods you provide. Children have a natural ability to regulate when they are full. Kids aren’t born with the idea that they have to finish everything on their plate… but many adults think that way because it’s what we were raised to do. We weren’t allowed to leave the table until our plate was empty. The fact is, kids are always growing at changing rates… for a while they may be “bottomless pits” that constantly eat, and other times a few bites is all they need. But when we force them to eat more than they should we’re training them not to listen to their bodies. It’s hard to do sometimes, but if you can step back and focus on your role of providing the food and let them do determine how much; it’ll make dinner time less stressful.
2. Establish basic rules for your kitchen. As Mom or Dad, you’re in charge of the food. Now I’m not saying you need to become “the soup Nazi” or anything, but it’ll make your life easier if you set a few ground rules for your kitchen. For example, only eating in the kitchen, nothing other than water in the living room, or having a designated cupboard or shelf for snacks. It’s also smart to establish what your family’s dinner time rules are. My personal meal-time rule is that you can have anything on the table for dinner, but mom doesn’t make anything else. Even if the only thing on the table they want is bread… that’s fine, but I refuse to be a “cook to order chef.” Other examples could be using basic manners, taking your plate to the sink afterwards, or rotating who blesses the food.
3. Keep it a positive environment.  Despite our best intentions as we try to force our child to eat their broccoli, starting a war over it may only make matters worse. Children will associate those negative feels to that food. No one likes to be forced to do something. It’s great to encourage, set a good example, and show positive reinforcement, but try to avoid making their first experience with a food a bad one. Also, try to keep the conversation at dinner positive. If there’s a subject you know is touchy with your teen, wait to discuss it after dinner. Dinner is the perfect time to socialize and bond as a family, but it’s a horrible time to argue.
4. Set a good example. Bottom line… kids learn by example. If mom or dad are open to eating something new, most likely their kids will follow (maybe not immediately, but eventually). I worked with a young mother years ago who couldn’t stand vegetables and only liked a few fruits. She was so worried about passing on her bad eating habits to her two small children, so she made every effort to offer them a variety and to keep her personal food opinions/dislikes to herself. Slowly she and I worked on getting her to try new fruits & vegetables as well. Impressively her kids ended up LOVING most of the fruits and vegetables she offered them. So if you have a bad opinion or aversion to a certain food, keep those thoughts to yourself.
5. Create a schedule. It’s really easy to fall into the grazing habit, especially if you have young children.  My toddler could snack all day if I let her. Snacking isn’t bad, but the majority of nutrients kids need come from actual meals. If I let my daughter snack all afternoon (yes… it happens sometimes), she isn’t hungry when I serve dinner. So setting a rough meal & snack schedule for your family, will allow them enough time between eating to actually get hungry again. This can be EXTREMELY hard with toddlers, and you may have to deal with a few tantrums, but it’s worth it. If their begging for another snack an hour before dinner try to get them involved in an activity or something else to pass the time. This should not be a rigid eating schedule, just a simple way for you to know when to offer snacks and prep meals.
6. Keep offering good foods. Studies have proven that it can take 10-15 times of trying/tasting a new food before it’s accepted. So don’t give up, and try not to make it into a war. Sometimes, just getting a child to TRY something once is a struggle… so you may need a new approach. To a child there is a big difference between putting something in your mouth vs eating it… so rather than asking them to eat something, try asking them to simply put it in their mouth to taste and if they don’t like it they can quietly spit it into a napkin. Just keep telling yourself “eventually my child will like most foods."
7. Choose between two good options. Part of growing up is learning to make choices, and kids want to have an opinion (some are very vocal about it). So give them choices, but try to avoid open ended options like “what do you want for lunch… or snack… or breakfast?” They're probably going to pick whatever their latest food obsession is every time… macaroni and cheese… grilled cheese… pizza… etc. So give them the option between two or three smart options. For example “do you want grapes, apples, or oranges slices for your snack?” or “should we make spaghetti or stir fry for dinner?” You may still hear “I don’t like any of those, I want this” from time to time, but try to stick to your guns, maybe negotiate a little… “you can’t have that now, but if you eat a fruit now we can make that an option for our afternoon snack later today.” Try to make it a win-win situation.
8. Offer healthier options first. If you’re really struggling to get your child to eat their vegetables or fruit, try offering that food at the beginning of the meal when they are most hungry. When kids are hungry enough they’ll eat. It may still take several tries, but they are more likely to try something new if it’s offered when they’re hungry. 
9. Avoid bribery. It’s tempting to use the classic food bribes to get children to eat something, but try your best to avoid it. Using dessert as a reward for eating their veggies or other healthy options sends a  message that dessert is the good food worth eating and the veggies are bad/undesirable food. It's also another form of pressure. 
10. Appropriate portions. Giving a small child an adult size portion can be overwhelming and may discourage them from eating at all. Seeing a plate that appears hardly touched is also frustrating for the parent. It's always better to start small, and allow for seconds. A good rule of thumb for guessing portions for children is a tablespoon for each yar old they are. So a 1 year old would get a 1 T. of peas, 1 T. of mashed potatoes, and a 1 T. of chopped chicken for dinner. 
11. Get your kids involved. Be as creative as you want with this! Kids are more likely to be interested in trying new foods if their involved in the process. As frustrating and messy as it can be, find things they can do to help you make dinner. I was in awe at my sister-in-laws house as my four year old nephew helped crack a dozen eggs to help make quiche for dinner! Obviously you won’t let a toddler chop, but maybe they could pour something in the bowl or take a turn stirring the pot. Maybe let them pick out a new fruit or vegetable to try at the grocery store. Help them plant a small vegetable garden. Let them be in charge of snack time or lunch one day a week. If their involved, they’ll be interested.
12. Lighten up. Children can get overwhelmed when there’s too much pressure to eat. Pressure turns it into a control issue rather than a food issue. When kids are hungry enough they will eat, so relax, focus on providing the food and let your child do the rest.

If you're struggling with a picky eater and these approaches sound overwhelming, start small. Pick one or two realistic things you'd like to work on. Once you and your family have those good habits down, then you can add more. Keep in mind, these are not quick fixes, forming a new habit can take months (or longer). So be patient and don't be so hard on yourself. Celebrate even the small victories! As long as your child is growing normal, they are getting adequate nutrition (even the kid on a steady Mac'n cheese diet grows).