Single Mom Survivor

I am not an expert, unless an expert is someone who has been doing something for a long time and I have been a "single" mom for longer than I care to admit.  I feel somewhat successful only because I survived along with my four beautiful children, who are not delinquent, but strong, happy, well adjusted adults.   I must say that I look far more beat up than they do! (LOL)  The truth is that although being a "single" mom is full of struggles, and is unbelievable hard (exhaustion comes to mind), it molded me into a much better person, making me stronger than I could ever imagine.   I loved being a mom.  Most moms do.   No instruction manual attached to a baby's butt so, although we experience similar things, each mom has a unique experience.  Here's a small piece of my Single mom experience and some things I learned.

  

There is a sad, negative under tone to the label of "single" mom because usually it is associated to poor choice, death, divorce, or other events.  At first, I hated that I found myself with this Label.  This was not something I would have consciously chose to happen in my life even in my craziest nightmares.   I prided myself in making good decisions.    I loved being married and being home with my kids, but life happens and one day, my new reality was that I was a "single" mom feeling the total responsibility of four children on my shoulders.    Until this time in my life, I have been positive in my thinking and had a fairly good self esteem.   Yet my divorce left me devastated, heartbroken, hurt, angry and so sad.  I felt broken as a person.   This was the first time I felt awful about myself, worthless.   Even though I knew I was a good mom, I went into being a "single" mom feeling indescribably inadequate.   All these awful emotions literally made me want to die and I knew I hit my personal low.  I cried until I couldn't cry anymore; by far the darkest time of my life.  

When all the ugly dust settled I realized that I didn't want to hold onto those bad feelings anymore (a light bulb moment).   I reflected on my life.   Growing up in a large family with two loving parents provided me a wonderful childhood.  They did their best in teaching me and I knew they loved me. I was happy and had positive experiences that gave me great self esteem and confidence.  My parents taught me that not only was I their child but I was also a child of God which meant I was very much loved and important.  They taught me wonderful values that have served me well and I knew where to go for help and strength.   So I prayed.  I knew that I could not begin to heal my own pain or take care of my children alone.  It never hurts to talk to a higher source.  It didn't happen overnight, but I made a decision to be happy.  I chose to count my blessings instead of my losses or the things I didn't have.  I had so much and my children absolutely saved my life.   They are my greatest blessing.   They gave me a reason to get moving in a positive direction.   Easy to forget my self when I was busy helping them, and the overwhelming responsibility became more of an amazing opportunity to create a wonderful environment in my home for them to feel safe in and loved.   I love my children so much and wanted a good life for them and a happy childhood.  This became my motivation to stop crying and get busy.  I decided to be a better human being, and started working on improving; literally only baby steps at first.  Here's a bit of my list.

• Pray everyday. Most of us believe in a power greater than ourselves whether it is Jesus Christ, God or the Universe
• The only person I can control is myself.  Even though I can't control others and things that happen in life, I can control how I can react to it.
• I can choose to be happy!  Life is meant to be enjoyed and experienced.  
• There is something to be learned through all experiences.  GOOD, BAD, and the UGLY!
• If I expect God to help me then I need to work hard and do the very best I can.  After I do all that I CAN then I give it to God.
• Respect, love, and forgive yourself and then others.
• We all have challenges and struggles and everyone is in different stages of life.  Don't judge if you don't want to be judged.  Waste of time. 
•  I am doing the best I can.  Assume others are too.   
• Let go of the negative and put in positive.
• Have fun.  Have more fun and then Have some more fun.  Lots of fun.
• Smile, Laugh!!  HUMOR  is the best medicine.  My kids always made me smile and laugh.  
• You can do anything you want.
• Accept help.  
• Breathe deep, take deep breaths.  No time for yoga class.
• Be present.  
• Take One day at a time.  Sometimes an hour at a time.
• Prioritize. There is only one of me.  Do what matters the most.
• Do things with family and friends.
• Listen to music.  Turn it up; it can change your mood.
• Be grateful.
• Don't compare myself to others .
• Create positive energy. Let go of the negative.
• Be Creative. 
• Make work fun. Turn up the music.

Did I magically solve all my problems. Absolutely not, in fact there were still many more struggles, but as I slowly changed my self image and adjusted my attitude in a positive direction, then the way I did everything changed.  I was much more focused, calm, and handled things better.  I stopped fearing the future, having no hope or thinking about the past and the what if's, but tried to be "all in" and present when I was with my kids so they knew I was enjoying them, creating "good time"moments.  When you have a million things to do and 3 places to be at the same time tomorrow, it's challenging to be focused on what you are presently doing.  Enjoy that moment.  

I do believe in God.  I prayed daily that he would watch over my children when I couldn't be with them.  I prayed that I would be able to stay awake when I drove the 3 hour daily commute to dental hygiene school when I was beyond tired.  I prayed that we would have enough food and money.  I prayed that my kids would have good friends at school.  I prayed for angels.  Humbled and needing so much help, I think I prayed about everything.  All day long in my heart.   Amazing things happened all the time to get me through a day.  I always prayed for angels.  This is where my "Village" of Roosevelt, Ut helped raise my children.   It's true that it does take a village to raise a child.   My angels sometimes came in the form of a friend feeding my kids if I was still at work or another mother who would run one of my kids to a school activity, a neighbor helping me fix a leaky faucet or mowing my lawn.  I could go on about the many kindnesses given to me and my children through the years that help us stay afloat.  It can be very hard to accept help, but I am so grateful for all the friends, family, neighbors and even strangers who touch my life and helped me raise great kids.   MOMs IN THE VILLAGE is a great title for this blog.   We all need each other; I loved sharing and exchanging ideas with other moms (in the old days we would talk over the fence or the phone). I didn't actually feel alone - just another mom doing the best she could.  We all need to find our own ways to handle the mom job.  We all have different circumstances but we also share similar experiences.   If we compare ourselves to a mom who appears to have it all together, most likely we compare their good day to our bad day - not at all fair.   I wish I could say I was the perfect mom, but I wasn't.   I did my best,  gave them all my love, provided them with a happy home and a happy mom.  Now that I am a Grandma, am I all wise and have reached personal perfection?  No. I still work on my attitude and staying positive... but so much more fun being Grami Pami. 

                                           

By: The Pam